Ask Dr. Hank

I hate my life, and I blame God for all the horrible things that have happened to me.  If I shoot myself, will the gun come with me to heaven, so I can shoot Jesus?

 

Al R.

Age 46

 

I’m not sure, but you should definitely kill yourself.

 

I’m in a Taylor Dayne cover band called “Great Dayne”.  We’re playing in an abandoned Caldor this Tuesday.  Could you possibly attend?  It’d be great promotion for the band.

 

Vincent W.

Age 30

 

Hell no.  What you do is awful, and you’re no better than a child pornographer.

 

My sister Gladys is receiving chemotherapy treatment.  Should I do it too?

 

Agnes T.

Age 79

 

Sure.

 

There’s a new fish in our prison, and I really want him to be my bitch.  Should I woo him with cigarettes, or rape him right away?

 

Sex Bus

Age 28

 

Uh… pass.  Next letter.

 

How often should I clean out my dream catcher?  Will I get nightmares if it clogs up?

 

Raindrop M.

Age 24

 

Jesus…

 

I’m enclosing a picture of a very severe rash I have.  Does it look serious to you?

 

Carol Q.

Age 56

 

Eww!  Gross!!  I’ll give it to you straight: you’ll be dead in 2 days.  Sorry.

 

I blacked out at a bachelor party last night.  I woke up with women’s make-up crudely smeared on my face, used condoms in and around me, and a dirty needle in my thigh.  I’m scared I might have something… what should I do?

 

Paul B.

Age 32

 

See the above answer.

 

I love your advice column, and I think we’d be great friends.  Some of my hobbies include making headbands from the elastic waistbands of discarded underpants, and painting the face of Dolph Lundgren on the chests of Lego men.  When should we get together?

 

Floyd P.

Age 41

 

The f#ck is this?

 

Well, once again these letters were a disaster.  You people are human garbage.