Dr. Hank is no stranger to success. He’s won Olympic gold medals for Apathy and Feline Obesity. Before it was a sitcom, he originally developed the robot, V.I.C.I. from Small Wonder, for military warfare. Hank’s award winning writings appear in The New Yorker, Juggs, and Last House on the Left: the animated series. He has a used Time Machine for sale on eBay. Hank has been stabbed by Pam Grier on 13 different occasions, but oddly, she considers him her BFF. Compared to him, your accomplishments will always look like $#it. 
Bob Keenan’s story is one of strength through adversity. Falling off his Jem & The Holograms bike at the tender age of 24, he was rushed to the hospital. A routine blood test diagnosed him with Inner Emasculation Syndrome and Donald Pleasence Disease. Despite these overwhelming odds, Bob created the comics “Strike-Force Epsilon X-9: Tales of the Galactek Robo-Defenders: The Universal Protectorate Chronicles Chapter 87”, and “Pete”. Bob spends his free time raising his cholesterol level, and avoiding clowns.
Dear Doctor Hank,
I’m a huge fan of yours! You remind me of my favorite actor, “Jake and the Fatman” star William Conrad.
Anyway, I’d like to start a college fund for my grandson. What financial plan would you recommend?
Thank you,
Hazel W.
Age 68
Hazel,
Your “compliment” feels like a kick in the nuts. William f#ckin’ Conrad? He looks like a cross between a bulldog and a trash bag of bacon fat and gristle.
Alright, maybe you meant a young Conrad… nope, I just googled it. He looks like someone put a mustache on a ham. Your comparison still stings like a mutha f#cker.
I’m looking in a mirror and… $hit. I guess I let myself go a little bit. Maybe I’m not as healthy as I thought. Some popcorn chicken did fall out of my jowls yesterday… F#ck! When did I get so f#cking fat?!
Damn it! You got in my head you b!tch!! F#ck you and your grandson!
Now I’m depressed. I’m going to wrap a meat-lovers pizza around sticks of butter and pudding, and watch some “Cannon” reruns…